THE GRAMOPHONE London Office: 58, Frith Street, London, W. 1. Edited by COMPTON MACKENZIE

TELEPHONE: Regent 1383.

TELEGRAMS: Pa.rma.xto, Westcent, London.

Vol. VI.

AUGUST, 1928

No. 63




In these progressive t imes when gramophones

Are two a penny in the market square; -The price should be remarked in undertones

For fear the market should inflate i ts" share,"'Tis this I really mean you to infer,

That when you'd hark to Music's" made-up"

voice, The soul being surfeited with sumptuous fare,

You pays your money and you takes your choice.

To-day thereis no l imit to the kinds

Of gramophones the purchaser may buy; And, what is more, the salesman never minds

How many instruments you care to try! As in the silent drama one may sigh

For Chaplin, Pickford, Fairbanks, Alice Joyce, So " star" machines for public favour vie,

You pays your money and you takes your choice.

Each has i ts own particular appeal:

One claims to reproduce the clarionet With greater piquancy; one cla.ims the real

String is apparent in the string Quartet. Another make interprets the soubrette

With such fidelity to tone and poise That on~ can visualise cerise georgette,---

You pays your money and you takes your choice.


Klein, in your golden memories of first nights

Your gallant heart must certainly rejoice; But gramophones to-day bring fresh delights,-

You pays your money and you takes YOllr choice .


Which i t is to be hoped will be appreciated in the right quarters.

I f your gramophone seems wonky And makes noises like a donkey-

Engine in the throes of asthma or catarrh; I f your fav'rite diva wavers, Turning crochets into quavers,

And attenuates the tempo of each bar; I f your sound-box starts to shiver Like a roue with a liver,

And emits excruciating l i t t le groans; I f in sudden pique or frenzy, At the stricture of Mackenzie,

It decides to sabotage your overtones; I f your tone-chamber should rattle Like an armoured knight in battle,

And in (say) the overture to William Tell, The" storm's" descriptive glamour Is augmented by a clamour

That develops to a really boisterous swell ; I f your motor starts to rumble, And reminds you of a bumble-

Bee about to perpetrate a nasty sting; I f i t lurches in a stupor Like a not too sober trooper

And elects to execute a Highland fling; I f your tone-arm tends to chatter And (with reference to the latter)

Its t.racking is inaccurat.e or worse; If, since vaseline won't cure i t , The Prudential won't. insure i t ,

And i ts t . reatment proves a strain upon your purse;